Each year we stop and think about the things we want for the upcoming year and we make a promise to change it, and each year we do well for awhile and then give up on some things and keep working on others. I started making changes in November and failed miserably at a big one, getting up each morning and exercising. I'm just not a morning person and I can't talk myself into getting out of bed even 20 minutes early. I have to change this however because Jon and I want to renew our vows this coming Summer and I really want a dress with spaghetti straps and that is just not happening with these arms.

I spoke to a very wise friend this past week and told her my list of things I want to change this year and she gave me some very good advice.

Here is my list:

Budget is out of whack and we want to buy a house next year
The house is a mess
The kids aren't getting homework done
The kids aren't nice to each other
Ethan says his mama dresses him funny
My weight
The house looks like a thrift store threw up in in and not in a classy chic way
The foods I prepare - I'm bored with them and need to find healthy foods that fit in our budget and taste good
I don't like me anymore. I don't feel nice or happy or fun.

Her advice was to pick one thing and work on just that thing for 30 days. My dad, Norm, used to tell me to do something for 21 days and it would become a habit and in that moment when my friend told me to do something for 30 days I realized I had the answer all along, I was just too stubborn to listen to my dad. She also said to start with the budget and a lot of that other stuff would fall into place. So I spoke to Jon, we don't work on our finances together, I handle everything and I've messed it up badly. I have trust issues so I can't let go and just let him handle it but he gave me good advice as well and I'm going to try things his way and see how it goes. I pay everything as it's due, often leaving us strapped some weeks and seeming to have plenty other weeks so he's asked me to divide the bills into four and pay a little each week. I can try that. Also, I'm working to clear our credit to buy that house. I made some good progress on that this past year and hope to have everything but my student loans gone by the end of 2016.

I also gave up soda this past Sunday. I have seen what drug addiction does to families and if I can expect those I know to give up drugs then I should at least be able to give up soda, right? So that's what I'm treating soda as from now on, a drug, and I don't do drugs. EVER. I just can't handle them after all of the people I have lost in my life because of drugs. They should be here with us, not dead. It makes me sad, angry, and frustrated and I don't want to do that to my kids.  Not to mention the $20-40 a week I can save by not buying soda and the weight I can lose by not putting that into my body. I'm not buying it for my family anymore either, so their health should improve as well.

I won't be successful if I bite off too much all at once but all of these things need to be addressed. I don't necessarily need to work on some of them daily though so I'll just keep doing my best until I figure out how to better. After spending some time with so many amazing women this year, I've learned a lot. Being willing to take some of the advice from my mom and sister has helped as well. I find it easier to see them do things and follow suit than to be told I should do things, but they know that and tell me what they are doing and I'm blessed that they love me enough to work around my quirks.

Happy New Year everyone, let's make 2016 better than 2015, even if it's only by small increments, eventually our lives will be better!

Love and hugs!

Married 20 years today

Just a quick post to add what I posted on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/marcie.greenreynolds) today to my blog:

I have spent the last 20 years being married, having kids, laughing and loving, fighting and crying, winning and losing, next to one man. Some days we couldn’t stand each other and other days we couldn’t stand to be apart. There were times when nobody thought we would make it and times when we thought they might be right. Life has not been perfect at all, but there has been a bond so strong that even we can’t break it. This past 9 months have been the most rewarding because we faced the end, the insurmountable and we came out stronger on the other side. 

Marriage is nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would be coming home after work and cooking in the kitchen together while the perfectly decorated, spot free home sparkled in the background for ambiance. I thought it would be family portraits with matching outfits and perfect lighting. I thought it would be balanced checkbooks and paid bills, good credit and nice cars. I thought it would be the American Dream. Instead it is scary diagnoses, fear, and tears. It is real life pain and drama, misunderstandings and disagreements. It is messy homes and burned food. It is exhaustion and stress. It is all these things, with someone there by your side to hold you up when you can’t go on and for you to lend support when they are just worn out. It is long hours working to support family and struggling to juggle bills and needs and wants. It is not the perfect little life I imagined, but it is mine and I love it.

Don't be Discouraged. Change is Possible.

I often hear people say that if you don't like your life, you should change it. It sounds so simple, as if we can just make a decision and BAM! everything will be different. It isn't that simple. You can make the decision and then take steps to make positive changes in your life though. Recently I tried to tell this to a lifelong friend and she decided to remove me from her life. At first I was stunned and hurt and wanted to stop trying to help people. I want to help people not push them away. Then I realized that there are many more people that I'm meant to help and that for now, at least, this lady and I are meant to go our separate ways.

If you've read my prior posts you know that I've had a lot of drama in my life. My marriage has been a challenge, my credit is a disaster, my home is usually a mess and my kids are often struggling in school or with medical issues. I've allowed this to be an excuse so many times. I've allowed it to keep me from having the life that I want. NO MORE! I will continue to make changes that improve my life and one day I will get to a place in my life where I will be able to say that I'm where I want to be. Wait, who am I kidding, I'm never going to stop wanting something better. Let's just say that I will be doing better than I am today. That has become my mantra, that I am not competing with anyone, just doing better today than I did yesterday and tomorrow than I did today. That can only lead to better things. It's all in our attitude and perspective. Do you have a can-do attitude or do you allow all of the things that could go wrong keep you from even getting started?

Change happens when you form good habits. That takes time, it won't happen over night for most people. There have been times where I have been able to say "I'm never going to do that again" and stuck with it but for the most part I have to work on changes. I've recommended www.flylady.net many times for this reason. She teaches you to take baby steps to make changes in your routines that will help you have a cleaner home but the foundation sets you up for success in other areas of your life as well. The program at www.daveramsey.com also teaches you steps to take to find financial success. Both of these sites were a major part of helping me to make positive changes. I've recommended listening to podcasts by life coaches as well. This is FREE therapy. These people have taught me that I do need to take time for myself, to get out and go to lunch or dinner with friends, take my husband to happy hour for a drink and cheap appetizers, go for a walk on the beach, read a book. Whatever it is that you enjoy, take time to do it. This will recharge you and make you a better wife, mother, employee.

One of the biggest things that I have fought is routines. I did not want to be that strict mom who is unbending and never lets the kids relax and have fun. Wow was I an idiot! My children want routines, they crave structure, they succeed when there are solid rules and plans in place. They want to have dinner at a set time and while they may balk at having only an hour of time to use electronics after homework is done, they are becoming successful in their school work and participating in the family and laughing with each other. Chores are starting to be done instead of me complaining that I am being ignored even after the 15th time I have asked them to do something. I am not providing a bunch of junk food. If they don't like everything I make then they can find something I made that they do like and just eat that, or they can make themselves a sandwich. I'm not going to continue to risk our health and serve junk just because they would rather have pizza than salad. We are all going to benefit by eating healthier, even if they do get tired of chicken being served a few times a week. I get tired of it too so I search www.Pinterest.com to find new recipes.

I probably spend more time than I should on social media, I am searching for a better way to live my life and I am finding tidbits here and there that are helping me. I'm trying to get the nerve up to Konmari my home. I sit there looking around my room, wishing that I could just throw it all away and start fresh but afraid to actually let anything go. I grabbed a garbage bag this weekend and headed in to start, and got rid of one blouse and a bunch of clutter from my dresser and night stand, mostly papers that didn't need to be shredded. I have a long way to go, but it all starts with one step and I'm getting there. So can you!

Keeping in touch

I've been neglecting my blog and I need to find time to sit down and write down the thoughts in my head. If only there was a way to blog while I drive home from work. Maybe I should just start talking out loud to a recorder in the car and then typing up what I'm thinking when I get home. I jot down possible topics from time to time and I have several that I really want to work on soon! I just thought I'd take a few minutes to check in and let you all know how I'm doing and what is new.

Since my last post I have been working with several different groups to try to bring the women who are a part of the Hemophilia Community together. Through HemosUnite and Hemophilia Alliance of Orange County we have a dinner one night a month that is sponsored by one of the pharmaceutical companies, they send out one or two ladies who meet with us and provide some form of education and we chat for a few hours over a nice meal. I have been asked to be a part of the Women’s Leadership for The Hemophilia Foundation of Southern California. We had started meetings in Long Beach one Saturday a month where we provide education and support for the women in the community but the Director stepped down and the acting Director is making some changes so we are taking the Summer off. We will be receiving training from The National Hemophilia Foundation and expanding to other areas of Southern California. In the Fall we will be participating in the Hemophilia Walk with a Star Wars Theme.  I have grown so much from my work with the women in this community and I am excited to see what will happen next.
 
I still have a lot of things that I'm working on, finances, keeping my home clean to my standards, being organized, taking care of our clothing so that I can present my family in a way that doesn't embarrass me and the biggest of all, being a positive person. 

I am excited to start working with a Financial Adviser, I believe this will help Jon and me to work together instead of both doing our own things and we will continue to work toward the goals of credit repair and home ownership. We have a lot of medical collections debt that we are working to clear and with Jon only being back in the workforce for a month, we are behind on several items. I think we can quickly recover if we make the right choices but it's so easy to blow $5 for breakfast $10 for lunch and $30 for dinner and if we do that every day it adds up fast! Every time we start making enough money again, we get stupid and start spending and then all of a sudden there isn't enough money to pay for important things. We need to learn to keep spending the way we do when money is tight so that we can start saving money. I can't wait to prove to ourselves that we can do better.

I've started fresh with www.flylady.net and I'm doing the Baby Steps again this month. I can see the changes in my home already as well as in my attitude toward others who don't do things the way that I want them done. I always hear in my head her saying "housework done incorrectly still blesses your family" and I realize that I've only given myself that grace and not my family. The work they do, even if not what I consider correct, is still less that I have to do and a help to me.

I need to continue to figure out how to dress my family fashionably and take better care of our clothing and realize when it's time to get rid of an item and to set aside money for fresh items when needed. I think I'll have to go to Pinterest and work on that some more. 


I have been listening to different podcasts, mostly by life coaches and while they do have some explicit language, their overall messages have helped me to find my footing and stand tall. My two favorite life coaches right now are http://www.thejoyjunkie.com/ and http://yourkickasslife.com/.  I also LOVE listening to the http://hemosunite.com/ podcasts and getting a chance to know more about people in the community. 

I know I need to work on my weight but for whatever reason, my heart just isn't in it right now. Probably because I'm just plain exhausted. I had a medical procedure done in June and my recovery has had a few hiccups. I'm hoping I won't need to have a more invasive procedure done but that is a possibility. I'm adding two young ladies to our home, friends from the kids' high school who have become a part of our family in so many ways. They are sisters. One has been with us for months while the other is still waiting for the system to place her with us, hopefully in the next week. I need to do a big purge and trade bedrooms to give the three girls in our home the Master bedroom so they can fit all of those beds in there. 

As part of my progress toward being the person who I want to be, I'm trying to cook more at home and eat out less. I'm trying to choose healthier foods and get my family to eat these foods, but often they just pick the meat or bread and leave the veggies on the counter. While I want to learn to make some new foods, I don't want to waste money by preparing food that my family won't eat. Progress has been made here, but we have a long way to go.  

I'm also working with a lady from the Hemophilia Community to achieve my personal goals. I meet alone for dinner with her once a month and we talk about plans I can put into action before the next meeting and how I've done since the last meeting. I was recently at a group dinner and realized that someone from each family there had taken the time to check on me or help me out in some way, one family even took my boys while I recovered from surgery and they went to the water park and then to their home for dinner, the next day they drove my oldest an hour and a half to camp and refused to take my gas money! Another family picked him up the next week. 

I hardly recognize the weak, sad, lonely woman that I was just six months ago. I've realized that the more I reach out and give of myself to help others and be there for them, the more people are not only here for me, but I feel stronger and more confident because I'm taking action to help others and I am making a difference in their lives as well. When I reached out in my weakest moment and bared my soul, I was so humiliated. I couldn't believe that I had embarrassed myself by telling so many people how bad things were. Some people walked away and I understand their stance, but others stayed and lifted me up and now I'm able to lift others up and we are all a strong net of people who build each other up. It's the most amazing feeling, my heart is full and I am truly blessed.

One step forward, two steps back

When people ask me how I am doing, I just tell them that I am putting one foot in front of the other, and working to get through each day. This is not where I want to be, but I'm not going to stop trying. I've paid off five collections (we owe $10,000 in medical collections) and my credit score went down. In researching this, I discovered that two new items were added and that is why it went down. I have a job that I absolutely love. I am not changing the world or solving world problems, but I'm good at my job and the company recognizes that. I even won 4 tickets to Disneyland. As soon as we can buy the 5th ticket, pay for parking and food, and find a day we can take off, we get to take our family to Disneyland for the first time since 2008. It's exciting! I found out that I could have avoided a lot of these collections if I'd talked to the creditors, but I've had some very bad experiences with debt collectors and I avoided their calls, knowing that I couldn't even send them a payment that would satisfy them so I didn't even try. I'd love to be able to buy a vehicle or move to a neighborhood where we aren't awakened by gunshots. Having good credit will open those doors.

I'm working on a food budget, and hoping that will help me make a difference. I figure every time I make dinner at home instead of going to a drive thru (which we do way too often, as I'm mentally drained by the end of the day) we will save $15-35. Even if we save $20 times 7 days, that's $140 we aren't spending each week, that's $600 a month I can spend to pay off debt, or even just makes it less likely that I will get a payday loan that month. If I can talk the creditors into settling for half, I could pay the debt off in less than a year, just by not eating out. I've asked my daughter to help me in this endeavor, by making sure the kitchen is clean each day. So far, I've grocery shopped for this week, using a menu I created on Friday, and we made our own food yesterday. I've also put the car into the shop, which will cost us $834 a month, for 6 months. SO, maybe in 6 months, I can actually start paying more creditors. For now, I'm paying $120 per month and this month I will finish paying off another one and I can use those funds to work on the next one. I know we are making progress, but it feels so slow. I just want to have made better choices but I can't change the past, I can only work on making the future better. Make good choices people!

As for parenting, I could just pull my hair out most days. What is the right thing to say when the school calls to tell you that your child threatened to kill another child, in detail, for asking him to move up in the line. Obviously I'm disappointed, but I'm also not the least bit surprised. Nothing this child says or does surprises me anymore, but it still hurts me. We have taken away his ability to watch shows or play games that are not age appropriate. We have handed out punishments but he just shrugs them off or throws a tantrum so bad that we reach our wits end and can't even be in the same room as him. He has irrational fears of being in a room alone or using the restroom. He soils himself daily and he's a very bright 8 year old. He refuses to write at school, even though he knows the answer. How can three children all turn out so differently with the same set of parents. I mean, I know that I have changed through out the years, as has their father, but essentially, we are the same people. I've finally reached my limit and started looking for a counselor for him. I have major trust issues when it comes to counseling, so this is going to be a huge challenge for me. I hope that it helps him though. I just don't know how else to help him.

I'm always working to do better today than I did yesterday. Educating myself in ways to do life better makes such a difference in my life. It gives me the power to stay positive and keep trying. It can be frustrating to be unable to do the things that we thought we would be able to do by this stage of our lives, but it is also empowering to know that others have come through to the other side of adversity with an excellent outcome. I'm going to just keep swimming, even though I'm fighting against the current the whole way. I know that I'm not making much progress in distance, but I'm growing stronger from the exercise.

Reach Out and Touch Someone's Heart

I write this blog to encourage myself to keep working on improving myself. I think it started as more of a diary and then I decided that I needed to involve people in my life, to have accountability. I needed so badly to connect with other people. Sometimes I post about my problems on Facebook. I really need to resist that urge. It's not fair to my loved ones, I get that and I will do my best to refrain in the future. The backlash I received got me to thinking and even though the support I got was worth the humiliation and got me through some really low days, I need to make sure that it won't happen again. I began to think about what people say when a celebrity or somebody young takes their own life. "If only they had said something, reached out for help" or "this is such a tragedy, it could have been prevented." You know what happens when these people reach out though? They are told that they need to keep their problems to themselves, and that social media is not the place for it. They are told they should tell their closest friend. Sometimes there is no closest friend. Sometimes the only friends they have are people on social media who they have never even met. Think about the last time you came to my house, or the last time that I came to your house? Have you ever even been to my house? Have I ever been to yours? I give the best hugs. I know this because when people get one, they tell me how real they are and how much they love my hugs. When I have the opportunity to hug someone that I feel a connection to, I'm trying to give myself strength to keep going and I'm trying to make sure they know that they are special to me. If I had reached that lowest low and not reached out, I probably would still be here, because I've always found a way to keep moving one step in front of the other. But some people don't have that last bit of strength at the bottom of their pit, and just because you think they are strong, does not mean that they will be able to make it through the dark of the very worst night.

I am so thankful for the many people who reached out to lift me out of my despair, even if they couldn't physically come to my home. I'm so thankful for the family members who began a phone chain to each other to make sure I was okay, even if only one felt they could call me. I'm thankful to the people who warned me that I was asking for trouble by posting because I know they are looking out for me and want to protect me from the people who would stomp on my heart. However, for those who bashed me and ripped me a new one for not handling the situation with the reaction and anger they felt, I'm sorry for them. I'm sorry that they do not have the capacity to love and forgive others or themselves. Especially those who I know have need of that love and forgiveness but wouldn't offer it to another. We all need to stop living behind our phones, tablets, and computers and live real life. Enjoy each other. Throw parties or just stop by and visit each other. I'm going to open my door and let you in if you stop by, even if my house is a mess and I'm totally embarrassed, because I'm tired of being alone. I want to be around people. I want to learn what makes them more successful in life and show them how I get through tough times. Will you reach out and touch someone's heart?

I'm not going to be 39 forever, I'm going to meet 40 head on.

When I was about 9 years old, my cousin was 39 and joked that he refused to turn 40 until I did. He's still young at heart but gave up on 39 long ago. Now that I'm closing in on 40 (one month, four days and 22 hours) I'm ready to meet it head on. Sure I was a little freaked out last year but I'm ready now. I'm ready to stop worrying about things that I can't change and start changing the things that I can. I'm ready to stop giving myself permission to settle for less. I kept telling myself that I was being happy with what I had and that what I had was enough. The truth is, I want more and there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the blessings that I have, it just means I'm ready to do what it takes to have what I want. I have read the first chapter of numerous self help books, if you find you have insomnia, I have a few books to recommend to put you to sleep in no time flat. I'm sure they would have helped if I had read them fully but I wasn't at a place where I was ready to hear what they had to say. 

Turning 40 isn't magically going to make me ready to be a grown up. I've been telling my husband (who is 14 months younger than me) that his life isn't going to be over at 40 for so many years. I never felt that it would be but I thought I'd be somewhere other than where I am for sure. I expected that I'd own a home like the ones in the movies that are always clean and decorated beautifully and have a degree and a fat savings account, enough money in my retirement account to live comfortably when I reach the right age and be down to a size 9 which of course would make me the most content woman you've ever met. Oh and I'd turn into the type of woman that everyone wants to be friends with. Instead I'm a size 18 (sometimes 20) with two pairs of jeans that I wear every single day because I refuse to buy more, and 7 pairs of size 16 in my closet that I'm going to get back into. Someday. I live in a rented apartment above two two car garages that is too small to have a sit down dinner at a kitchen table, walls with peeling paint, and a constant mess that prevents me from inviting people in unless I've had at least a week to prepare. I'm starting college classes for the 4th time in 21.5 years next month and I don't even have a two year degree to show for it. My credit score is so low that I can't get approved for anything at all. Wait, I could get that 9 year old van for $350 a month for 3 years if I put $750 down but they can turn it off remotely if I miss a payment. They were actually shocked when I turned them down and told them I'd rather catch a ride with my mom to work and have my daughter pick me up. I figure if that starts to be a burden, I can catch the bus. 

The good news is that I have a lot of great things about my life. I'm married to a man who I love and loves me, even if we don't make sense to most people. I have three kids that I'd do anything for without even thinking about it. I have parents who have gone above and beyond to help me. Even when they knew I had blown it, they would pick me up, dust me off and tell me to try again. I have a sister who loves me enough to take on the big sister role even though that's supposed to be my job and another who rolls her eyes at me and tells me to stop being such a drama queen and relax. I have a job that I absolutely love and where I have found my niche. My creditors are working with me to settle my debts and eventually I will have good enough credit to feel like a grown up. I'm learning to let go and get rid of things that don't bring me joy. I'm learning how to say no and mean it. 

It is so easy for me to focus on the negative and get stuck in that quicksand. Instead of looking around me and being sad about my circumstances, I'm going to work on changing them. Instead of being sad about the time I've wasted I'm going to enjoy the time I have left. I don't want to stay 39 forever, it was a horrible year filled with sadness and despair. I almost gave up twice but I'm still here and I'm so glad that I am. The biggest eye opener was a day after I'd almost given up and my husband got a call that he'd gotten a job. I'd allowed myself to reach a point of hopelessness that I almost didn't escape from and the very next day our problems were that much closer to being resolved. How many people give up too soon? When I was in track, my coach put me in a race that was too long for me. I could win at the short bursts but I didn't have what it took to finish the whole track. My sides were burning and he ran around the middle of the field next to me, pushing me to finish. I finished in third place, out of three runners, but I finished. I begged him to put me in a shorter race the next time and he didn't. I had to run it again, and the next time I was able to finish a little easier, but did not place. I always wonder if I'd kept trying instead of quitting track if I'd have eventually been able to win one of those races. My life has been loss after loss but I think I'm finally getting close to winning this race.

No more resolutions

So the way I see it, I'm always trying to better myself. Every day I'm trying to do better than the day before. A new year does seem like a good way to get on track and let's face it, all of the people trying to make positive changes at one time is invigorating. I catch a little bit of that fever and work a bit harder during this first month of the year and that's a good thing.

I'm always a little amazed at how much I can fit under the carpet. You know...we sweep things under the carpet basically to deal with later. Like the boxes of food that expired up on the top shelf of my pantry where I can't reach unless I climb up on the counter. Yep, all 222 pounds of me climbs one knee at a time up onto the counter, straddles the microwave and grabs an item out of the top shelf. I then try to careful get onto my knees and bounce carefully onto the floor. OUCH. I don't remember the bottom of my feet hurting like this when I hopped out of trees at seven or over walls at 13. So, last night, I threw away three grocery bags of food that was expired. Some of it over a year ago. This is especially upsetting when you consider that of the last 24 months my husband has been unemployed for 15 of them. We can't afford to waste that stuff. So, now to figure out a solution that works better in my tiny kitchen. Basically, if I can reach it, I am more likely to use it.

I'm also back to using the Flylady system. It's helped me in the past and I know that if I work the system, I won't be embarrassed when everyone comes to my house for my 40th birthday party next month. If you haven't heard of it...check it out. It works for me www.flylady.net I also have joined a facebook support group that keeps me motivated. Seeing them make progress, makes me know that if I keep at it, I can have a pretty home too. I just feel better when the sink is empty and clean, the bathroom is clean and the floors are picked up. I've assigned tasks to each kid and they have to do them before they can use electronics or go out with their friends. It's working!

Another system that has worked for me in the past is the Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds videos. I know they work for me, I should be thin by now. But that is stinkin' thinkin' and I can't change the past, only today. I still can't find my videos though so I ordered new ones. They will be here in 10 days. Ten days that I don't want to waste so I turned to youtube. I couldn't make out any expressions or facial features but I could make out the moves and it felt so good to do that one mile express video with the super challenge. I was moving and sweating and making progress to a newer better me. Now I just have to make myself do it again tonight and tomorrow and so on. It all starts by taking that step today though.

For me to be successful in reaching a goal, I have to have something to motivate me. The last time I lost 20 pounds, it was to be in a wedding for a friend. I bought the dress and it came in the mail, and was a bit tighter than I'd hoped. So off to the gym I went, and I was consistent with portion control. Then the wedding was over and I made excuses and I never went back, even though I've been paying $25 a month for the past two years for a gym I don't visit. This time my goal is my 40th birthday party, with a mini goal of an office party that I already have the dress for two weeks from now.

I really wish I had a house, with a yard. So, I went looking and while I can't afford to buy a house, I can afford a house to rent. I just need to pay off $10,000 in medical collections and make sure I am on time with my student loan payments. I've seen Dave Ramsey's system work for many friends and so I'm working with that. Even if I only send $1 to each collector each month, I am going to pay it off. I have found a template to use that I'm sending to each creditor as I get up the money to pay what I'm offering and hoping they will agree to settle for less. So far, I've sent one of the letters and I'm waiting for the response. I'm hopeful. We'll see.

So there it is, I'm human and weak and inconsistent, but I'm not letting myself make excuses anymore. It is what it is, I always say. So, today I will work on today and tomorrow I will work on making tomorrow better than today.