Pep Talks from the little voice in my head.

Random thoughts I have during the day, things I'm trying to work out in my head.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

I wrote the following in 2010. I want to put it here so that I have it always. It has some typos but it is still part of our history.

Jake's story

By Marcie Green Reynolds on Tuesday, November 16, 2010 at 9:33am

Jacob’s birth was pretty normal, they put him on my chest (I’d begged them to let me hold him

just in case they had to take him away, my older child had been born not breathing and they took

her away and my husband finally remembered to come back and tell me she was okay a few

hours later) and then they took him to look him over. I had Group B Strep with both of the older

kids and Jake ended up having a low body temp. A new student was left to clean me up and pull

out my epidural. He pulled without having me bend forward and it hurt! He went to find out why

it wouldn’t come out and came back and did it correctly. Then he freaked when he realized I’d

lost a pail full of blood. I felt a bit weak but was able to walk to the restroom and back. For 45

minutes I waited and then they brought Jake back to me. The next morning we had him

circumcised and it wouldn’t stop bleeding. They tried epinephrine and a chemical cauterization

and sent us home that afternoon. His body temperature kept dropping even though I was

kangarooing him, my body wasn’t creating enough heat. My sister lived in the same complex

and came to hold him; she was so warm and toasty that his temp went back up to normal. After

several bloody diapers we too him back to the ER. They did a hematacrit and another

epinephrine wrap which he soiled by the time we got home. In the morning we took him to the

Pediatrician who tried chemical cauterization again and sent us home. The next 24 hours was

horrible, he had so many bloody diapers and we took him back to the pediatrician who said we

should go to Children’s Hospital immediately, and warned us that we may not make it in time.

We got there and they asked to take blood to test him for something, I didn’t want to let them

take any more blood because I thought it would kill him. They drew the blood and then gave him

a transfusion. After some time they came in and told us he had hemophilia. I assumed it was

something that they could treat and we would go home and live a normal life, they informed me

that wasn’t the case. I asked if we needed to pad the whole house, they explained he could be a

normal boy with medication but we should avoid some sports. He spent roughly 36 hours at

Children’s and was able to go home on Christmas Eve with an IV line in his foot. When I tried to

give him factor on Christmas morning it was clogged. We took him back to the ER and they put

a line in his head. They were so upset when they realized what he had because they knew another

family that came in for treatments but it had never occurred to them, and we almost lost him.

From that point on he only went to Children’s Hospital. At 10 months old he had had 3 CT scans

and been treated 4 times. We probably didn’t need to treat any of those times but we were

freaked over every little thing and they wanted us to be kept at ease. After the last time he had 10

pokes by 6 different nurses they decided he needed a port. We got the port, I learned how to

infuse when the lady came to remove the line a week later and I’ve been doing it every since. He

got his first bleed at 15 month in his right ankle from falling on his medical alert bracelet and we

started prophy. We put him in a daycare and showed them how to put his diaper on without

pressing on his hip, using their fingers inside the diaper to press the Velcro or tape together. The

younger teacher kept doing it wrong and then saw a bruise develop and said there was no reason

for a child to have a bruise in that area, she told her boss to call CPS, her boss showed her

Laurie’s book that we had given her and she still wanted to call CPS so they fired her and let us

know to expect a call from CPS. It never came. Throughout the years we have had other

diagnosises, they thought he had Aspergers and after a few years we found out it wasn’t

Aspergers but he is learning disabled. He has several sensory processing issues. The one that

scares teachers is his need to throw himself down on the ground to feel pressure. They started

refusing to let him go out to recess. We made them let him go out and explained we treated him

every other day and he was normal. They ended up having an aide follow him around. He

repeated 1st grade and by the end of 2nd grade we were getting nowhere. His teacher informed

me that he did well one on one but she would lose him when she went back to the class. I’d been

having bleeding issues of my own and he’d missed several days of school so they wanted to

report us, my daughter’s school was going to report us for the days she’d missed due to her cycle

and I just got fed up and started looking for information on homeschooling. I found a public

school charter that paid for everything and provided a teacher to be available to field my

questions through email or over the phone; they would even provide OT services. I signed us up

and we started the next fall. That port has lasted us for 11 years and Jake will be 12 in December.

He has two target joints, the right ankle and his left elbow. I have gone through 5 miscarriages,

one of which were twins and finally had my son Ethan who does not have hemophilia. During

that time I’ve failed Jacob several times and sometimes that resulted in a bleed. When he was

little if I took a week or two off it was no big deal but these last few years if he doesn’t get

prophy, 50% of the time he will get a bleed. I’d love for him to learn how to infuse himself but

even the home health nurse who has 30 years experience can hit his veins every time. We are

working on the tricks shared with us through this site and hopefully I will get him to let me poke

him again soon. I’m sure I missed a ton of stuff but this is long enough as it is. Thanks for

reading if you did.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Two years have passed and so much has changed. I'm working full time, Jon has just started back to work after 14 months of unemployment, 7 of which were not covered by unemployment insurance. Our oldest child has graduated from High School and our middle child is starting High School, our youngest going into 2nd grade. I am more in love with my husband today than I was 19 years ago when we were so newly expecting our first child that we didn't know yet.

I am 39 years old and finally starting to feel like a for real grown up. Having an 18 year old going through that not so fun stage of thinking they know everything and have all the answers reminds me of how much I thought I knew, and makes me realize just how little I actually understood life. I keep hoping that I can cut her off at the pass and help her avoid so much pain, but she is dead set of running full speed for the cliff. So, I've reached an understanding, that it's my job to be here to kiss the boo boos when she falls, but not necessarily to stop her from falling. I just hope that I've taught her enough that she will pedal fast and strong and not fall down.

I've decided to turn my focus inward and instead of criticizing myself as I tend to do, I'm making another plan. I like to make plans, but I hate change and so I get scared and don't follow through. I keep reading things that basically say, if you don't like your life, change it. Easier said than done, I always think to myself, but this time, I will make changes. So my goal is to get from 229lbs down to 170. My mom has much less to lose than I do, but the first one to reach our goal will receive $100 from the other. I'm hoping this will motivate me to get up in the mornings and do a walk away the pounds video, or think twice about what I eat or even go to the gym some evenings after work (we've paid for it but not used it for far too long). I'm also working on raising our credit scores by 100 points and saving to buy a home. This one is going to be tough because we have so far to go, but I'm going to take baby steps and get there. Lastly, I'm going to work on making the place we live into a home that I can be proud to invite people in to visit. I have no decor sense and our furniture has been abused but I am going to make definite steps toward to fixing that.

Lastly, I plan to take more time to be the me I want to be, not just by weight and clothing and care of myself, but the mom and wife that makes me feel good about myself. I want to take more time for reading and writing, but I can't do that if I don't unclutter my life in so many other ways. I'm a work in progress and my life is still busy, maybe even more busy than it was before, but all in all, it's a good life.