Reach Out and Touch Someone's Heart

I write this blog to encourage myself to keep working on improving myself. I think it started as more of a diary and then I decided that I needed to involve people in my life, to have accountability. I needed so badly to connect with other people. Sometimes I post about my problems on Facebook. I really need to resist that urge. It's not fair to my loved ones, I get that and I will do my best to refrain in the future. The backlash I received got me to thinking and even though the support I got was worth the humiliation and got me through some really low days, I need to make sure that it won't happen again. I began to think about what people say when a celebrity or somebody young takes their own life. "If only they had said something, reached out for help" or "this is such a tragedy, it could have been prevented." You know what happens when these people reach out though? They are told that they need to keep their problems to themselves, and that social media is not the place for it. They are told they should tell their closest friend. Sometimes there is no closest friend. Sometimes the only friends they have are people on social media who they have never even met. Think about the last time you came to my house, or the last time that I came to your house? Have you ever even been to my house? Have I ever been to yours? I give the best hugs. I know this because when people get one, they tell me how real they are and how much they love my hugs. When I have the opportunity to hug someone that I feel a connection to, I'm trying to give myself strength to keep going and I'm trying to make sure they know that they are special to me. If I had reached that lowest low and not reached out, I probably would still be here, because I've always found a way to keep moving one step in front of the other. But some people don't have that last bit of strength at the bottom of their pit, and just because you think they are strong, does not mean that they will be able to make it through the dark of the very worst night.

I am so thankful for the many people who reached out to lift me out of my despair, even if they couldn't physically come to my home. I'm so thankful for the family members who began a phone chain to each other to make sure I was okay, even if only one felt they could call me. I'm thankful to the people who warned me that I was asking for trouble by posting because I know they are looking out for me and want to protect me from the people who would stomp on my heart. However, for those who bashed me and ripped me a new one for not handling the situation with the reaction and anger they felt, I'm sorry for them. I'm sorry that they do not have the capacity to love and forgive others or themselves. Especially those who I know have need of that love and forgiveness but wouldn't offer it to another. We all need to stop living behind our phones, tablets, and computers and live real life. Enjoy each other. Throw parties or just stop by and visit each other. I'm going to open my door and let you in if you stop by, even if my house is a mess and I'm totally embarrassed, because I'm tired of being alone. I want to be around people. I want to learn what makes them more successful in life and show them how I get through tough times. Will you reach out and touch someone's heart?

I'm not going to be 39 forever, I'm going to meet 40 head on.

When I was about 9 years old, my cousin was 39 and joked that he refused to turn 40 until I did. He's still young at heart but gave up on 39 long ago. Now that I'm closing in on 40 (one month, four days and 22 hours) I'm ready to meet it head on. Sure I was a little freaked out last year but I'm ready now. I'm ready to stop worrying about things that I can't change and start changing the things that I can. I'm ready to stop giving myself permission to settle for less. I kept telling myself that I was being happy with what I had and that what I had was enough. The truth is, I want more and there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the blessings that I have, it just means I'm ready to do what it takes to have what I want. I have read the first chapter of numerous self help books, if you find you have insomnia, I have a few books to recommend to put you to sleep in no time flat. I'm sure they would have helped if I had read them fully but I wasn't at a place where I was ready to hear what they had to say. 

Turning 40 isn't magically going to make me ready to be a grown up. I've been telling my husband (who is 14 months younger than me) that his life isn't going to be over at 40 for so many years. I never felt that it would be but I thought I'd be somewhere other than where I am for sure. I expected that I'd own a home like the ones in the movies that are always clean and decorated beautifully and have a degree and a fat savings account, enough money in my retirement account to live comfortably when I reach the right age and be down to a size 9 which of course would make me the most content woman you've ever met. Oh and I'd turn into the type of woman that everyone wants to be friends with. Instead I'm a size 18 (sometimes 20) with two pairs of jeans that I wear every single day because I refuse to buy more, and 7 pairs of size 16 in my closet that I'm going to get back into. Someday. I live in a rented apartment above two two car garages that is too small to have a sit down dinner at a kitchen table, walls with peeling paint, and a constant mess that prevents me from inviting people in unless I've had at least a week to prepare. I'm starting college classes for the 4th time in 21.5 years next month and I don't even have a two year degree to show for it. My credit score is so low that I can't get approved for anything at all. Wait, I could get that 9 year old van for $350 a month for 3 years if I put $750 down but they can turn it off remotely if I miss a payment. They were actually shocked when I turned them down and told them I'd rather catch a ride with my mom to work and have my daughter pick me up. I figure if that starts to be a burden, I can catch the bus. 

The good news is that I have a lot of great things about my life. I'm married to a man who I love and loves me, even if we don't make sense to most people. I have three kids that I'd do anything for without even thinking about it. I have parents who have gone above and beyond to help me. Even when they knew I had blown it, they would pick me up, dust me off and tell me to try again. I have a sister who loves me enough to take on the big sister role even though that's supposed to be my job and another who rolls her eyes at me and tells me to stop being such a drama queen and relax. I have a job that I absolutely love and where I have found my niche. My creditors are working with me to settle my debts and eventually I will have good enough credit to feel like a grown up. I'm learning to let go and get rid of things that don't bring me joy. I'm learning how to say no and mean it. 

It is so easy for me to focus on the negative and get stuck in that quicksand. Instead of looking around me and being sad about my circumstances, I'm going to work on changing them. Instead of being sad about the time I've wasted I'm going to enjoy the time I have left. I don't want to stay 39 forever, it was a horrible year filled with sadness and despair. I almost gave up twice but I'm still here and I'm so glad that I am. The biggest eye opener was a day after I'd almost given up and my husband got a call that he'd gotten a job. I'd allowed myself to reach a point of hopelessness that I almost didn't escape from and the very next day our problems were that much closer to being resolved. How many people give up too soon? When I was in track, my coach put me in a race that was too long for me. I could win at the short bursts but I didn't have what it took to finish the whole track. My sides were burning and he ran around the middle of the field next to me, pushing me to finish. I finished in third place, out of three runners, but I finished. I begged him to put me in a shorter race the next time and he didn't. I had to run it again, and the next time I was able to finish a little easier, but did not place. I always wonder if I'd kept trying instead of quitting track if I'd have eventually been able to win one of those races. My life has been loss after loss but I think I'm finally getting close to winning this race.

No more resolutions

So the way I see it, I'm always trying to better myself. Every day I'm trying to do better than the day before. A new year does seem like a good way to get on track and let's face it, all of the people trying to make positive changes at one time is invigorating. I catch a little bit of that fever and work a bit harder during this first month of the year and that's a good thing.

I'm always a little amazed at how much I can fit under the carpet. You know...we sweep things under the carpet basically to deal with later. Like the boxes of food that expired up on the top shelf of my pantry where I can't reach unless I climb up on the counter. Yep, all 222 pounds of me climbs one knee at a time up onto the counter, straddles the microwave and grabs an item out of the top shelf. I then try to careful get onto my knees and bounce carefully onto the floor. OUCH. I don't remember the bottom of my feet hurting like this when I hopped out of trees at seven or over walls at 13. So, last night, I threw away three grocery bags of food that was expired. Some of it over a year ago. This is especially upsetting when you consider that of the last 24 months my husband has been unemployed for 15 of them. We can't afford to waste that stuff. So, now to figure out a solution that works better in my tiny kitchen. Basically, if I can reach it, I am more likely to use it.

I'm also back to using the Flylady system. It's helped me in the past and I know that if I work the system, I won't be embarrassed when everyone comes to my house for my 40th birthday party next month. If you haven't heard of it...check it out. It works for me www.flylady.net I also have joined a facebook support group that keeps me motivated. Seeing them make progress, makes me know that if I keep at it, I can have a pretty home too. I just feel better when the sink is empty and clean, the bathroom is clean and the floors are picked up. I've assigned tasks to each kid and they have to do them before they can use electronics or go out with their friends. It's working!

Another system that has worked for me in the past is the Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds videos. I know they work for me, I should be thin by now. But that is stinkin' thinkin' and I can't change the past, only today. I still can't find my videos though so I ordered new ones. They will be here in 10 days. Ten days that I don't want to waste so I turned to youtube. I couldn't make out any expressions or facial features but I could make out the moves and it felt so good to do that one mile express video with the super challenge. I was moving and sweating and making progress to a newer better me. Now I just have to make myself do it again tonight and tomorrow and so on. It all starts by taking that step today though.

For me to be successful in reaching a goal, I have to have something to motivate me. The last time I lost 20 pounds, it was to be in a wedding for a friend. I bought the dress and it came in the mail, and was a bit tighter than I'd hoped. So off to the gym I went, and I was consistent with portion control. Then the wedding was over and I made excuses and I never went back, even though I've been paying $25 a month for the past two years for a gym I don't visit. This time my goal is my 40th birthday party, with a mini goal of an office party that I already have the dress for two weeks from now.

I really wish I had a house, with a yard. So, I went looking and while I can't afford to buy a house, I can afford a house to rent. I just need to pay off $10,000 in medical collections and make sure I am on time with my student loan payments. I've seen Dave Ramsey's system work for many friends and so I'm working with that. Even if I only send $1 to each collector each month, I am going to pay it off. I have found a template to use that I'm sending to each creditor as I get up the money to pay what I'm offering and hoping they will agree to settle for less. So far, I've sent one of the letters and I'm waiting for the response. I'm hopeful. We'll see.

So there it is, I'm human and weak and inconsistent, but I'm not letting myself make excuses anymore. It is what it is, I always say. So, today I will work on today and tomorrow I will work on making tomorrow better than today.