When I was about 9 years old, my cousin was 39 and joked that he refused to turn 40 until I did. He's still young at heart but gave up on 39 long ago. Now that I'm closing in on 40 (one month, four days and 22 hours) I'm ready to meet it head on. Sure I was a little freaked out last year but I'm ready now. I'm ready to stop worrying about things that I can't change and start changing the things that I can. I'm ready to stop giving myself permission to settle for less. I kept telling myself that I was being happy with what I had and that what I had was enough. The truth is, I want more and there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the blessings that I have, it just means I'm ready to do what it takes to have what I want. I have read the first chapter of numerous self help books, if you find you have insomnia, I have a few books to recommend to put you to sleep in no time flat. I'm sure they would have helped if I had read them fully but I wasn't at a place where I was ready to hear what they had to say.
Turning 40 isn't magically going to make me ready to be a grown up. I've been telling my husband (who is 14 months younger than me) that his life isn't going to be over at 40 for so many years. I never felt that it would be but I thought I'd be somewhere other than where I am for sure. I expected that I'd own a home like the ones in the movies that are always clean and decorated beautifully and have a degree and a fat savings account, enough money in my retirement account to live comfortably when I reach the right age and be down to a size 9 which of course would make me the most content woman you've ever met. Oh and I'd turn into the type of woman that everyone wants to be friends with. Instead I'm a size 18 (sometimes 20) with two pairs of jeans that I wear every single day because I refuse to buy more, and 7 pairs of size 16 in my closet that I'm going to get back into. Someday. I live in a rented apartment above two two car garages that is too small to have a sit down dinner at a kitchen table, walls with peeling paint, and a constant mess that prevents me from inviting people in unless I've had at least a week to prepare. I'm starting college classes for the 4th time in 21.5 years next month and I don't even have a two year degree to show for it. My credit score is so low that I can't get approved for anything at all. Wait, I could get that 9 year old van for $350 a month for 3 years if I put $750 down but they can turn it off remotely if I miss a payment. They were actually shocked when I turned them down and told them I'd rather catch a ride with my mom to work and have my daughter pick me up. I figure if that starts to be a burden, I can catch the bus.
The good news is that I have a lot of great things about my life. I'm married to a man who I love and loves me, even if we don't make sense to most people. I have three kids that I'd do anything for without even thinking about it. I have parents who have gone above and beyond to help me. Even when they knew I had blown it, they would pick me up, dust me off and tell me to try again. I have a sister who loves me enough to take on the big sister role even though that's supposed to be my job and another who rolls her eyes at me and tells me to stop being such a drama queen and relax. I have a job that I absolutely love and where I have found my niche. My creditors are working with me to settle my debts and eventually I will have good enough credit to feel like a grown up. I'm learning to let go and get rid of things that don't bring me joy. I'm learning how to say no and mean it.
It is so easy for me to focus on the negative and get stuck in that quicksand. Instead of looking around me and being sad about my circumstances, I'm going to work on changing them. Instead of being sad about the time I've wasted I'm going to enjoy the time I have left. I don't want to stay 39 forever, it was a horrible year filled with sadness and despair. I almost gave up twice but I'm still here and I'm so glad that I am. The biggest eye opener was a day after I'd almost given up and my husband got a call that he'd gotten a job. I'd allowed myself to reach a point of hopelessness that I almost didn't escape from and the very next day our problems were that much closer to being resolved. How many people give up too soon? When I was in track, my coach put me in a race that was too long for me. I could win at the short bursts but I didn't have what it took to finish the whole track. My sides were burning and he ran around the middle of the field next to me, pushing me to finish. I finished in third place, out of three runners, but I finished. I begged him to put me in a shorter race the next time and he didn't. I had to run it again, and the next time I was able to finish a little easier, but did not place. I always wonder if I'd kept trying instead of quitting track if I'd have eventually been able to win one of those races. My life has been loss after loss but I think I'm finally getting close to winning this race.
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